There are four stages that lead up to a divorce through the duration of a marriage. The first stage starts with criticism. Most couples do not have communication skills that teach them how to communicate with their partners during a heated argument. It is natural to want to hurt another person’s feelings, when they are hurting yours. Criticizing another person is a sure-fire way to hurt their feelings, and cause an argument to go on well past a point that it should. When a couple who are criticizing each other do not apologize for the things that they said, it begins to turn into contempt, which takes us to our second stage that can lead to a divorce.
The contempt stage is when both parties have been so hurt and damaged through hundreds of fights, and harsh words, and criticism that they no longer have loving feelings for that person. The love that they felt for that person when they first decided to get married, may be all, but gone at this stage.
The third stage is defensiveness. At this stage, both parties spend most of their time defending themselves against criticism and contempt. The fourth stage is stalling. At this stage, the couple are no longer cooperating with each other, and they are barely talking to each other. At this stage, divorce will most likely be on each others minds. If both partners still believe that their marriage is worth saving, they can save it.
There are four solutions that will save a marriage once the four stages have been reached. The first solution is turning a negative into a positive. For one thing, if one of the partners ask for a divorce, the other person should refuse. If both spouses show a genuine interest in saving the marriage, agreements can be reached. By the time the subject of divorce comes up, both individuals are already trying to find ways to save the marriage before taking such a drastic step.
Turning a negative into a positive is starting every conversation with a positive slant, instead of a negative one. Both partners should agree with each other, and compliment the other.
The second solution is finding the things that the partners loved about each other in the first place. Take them back to familiar places when they both began to fall in love. They should talk to each other, communicate, laugh, and compliment each other.
The third solution is to find more time for each other, so that they can spend more time communicating their thoughts and feelings in a positive manner. This may mean sneaking away to a quiet dinner with the help of a babysitter from time to time. The monetary investment is well worth the reward.
The fourth solution is to touch each other more, kiss each other, hug each other, and become more intimate. People who get along together, do not think about divorce. It is people who continually fight in nasty ways that start the proceedings for a divorce. Finding the reasons for the divorce, and turning the tables around, the couple can start to back track to the beginning where the fights all began, and they can rewrite history.
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When people get married, they genuinely make vows to stay together for the rest of their lives. They make promises to each other that they intend to keep, but throughout the years, those promises begin to get lost through a process of arguments and disillusionment. The reasons why the subject of divorce will come up in a marriage, is when the arguments are on a continuous basis. Every couple argues, but when the arguing becomes the only source of communication for a couple, this is when the subject of divorce will come up.
After many attempts to save your marriage end up failing, you may believe that divorce is the next natural step, but saving a marriage takes more than just a few attempts. If all of your attempts up to this point have failed, it is because you haven’t found the right solutions. When it comes to saving a marriage, no stone should be unturned. If a couple really wants to work at saving their marriage, it has to come from both of them, and not just one of them. Just as you were both present during their marriage, you need to both be present to save the marriage.
There are many solutions to stop a divorce. Regardless if you and your spouse are just discussing the possibility of a divorce, or you’ve already separated, and are living apart, there are soluitions that can save your marriage from the brink of disasterSeeking the help of a marriage counselor is one solution, but most people feel that their problems have gone beyond the help of a therapist, and the only thing that a therapist can do for them at that point, is to help point out the reasons for the divorce in the first place. If a couple can find those reasons on their own, they can save their own marriages without the help of an outside intermediary.
That’s why you and your partner need to sit down and iron out a communication plan today. Unless you start talking about the problems that are plaguing your marriage, you’ll never find any workable solutions. It’s important to establish ground rules for communicaiton. This may seem a bit over the top but it’s actually very productive. Agree to talk at a time when neither of you will be easily distracted. Turn off your cell phones and focus solely on one another. Give each other a chance to speak without interruption. This one is tough but if you are conscious of not talking when your spouse is, it’s definintely doable.
Finally learn from what your partner shares. Obviously there are going to be bruised egos and hurt feelings but your marriage is at stake. Unless the two of you get down to the nitty gritty, your relationship will have no chance of making it.
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“My husband had an affair, now what?” That’s a loaded question, isn’t it? You’re the one left in the dust of his actions. You have to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and decide what to do next. How exactly do you do that when it feels as though the man you adore just ripped your heart from your chest and stomped all over it? No one said marriage would be an easy ride. Challenges face every married couple and unfortunately for some, adultery is part of the process. You didn’t ask to be treated in this manner but since it’s happened you have to deal with it. You can lie down and allow the situation to control you or you can take control of it and map out the future that you want.
Whenever a woman is saying, “my husband had an affair, now what,” she’s looking for guidance on the step she needs to take next. Who says that you have to make any rash decisions in the days, weeks or even months following discovery of the affair? Above and beyond anything else, you need time to process what has happened and the feelings that it’s left you with.
If you know already what your decision is regarding the future of the marriage, sit down with your husband and talk reasonably about it. If you feel that your only recourse is to end the relationship, listen when he tells you what he feels. Although you may not believe that he has a say in anything you decide, you have to consider the fact that the two of you are still partners.
If you feel that rebuilding the marriage is what you truly desire, share that with him too. You do need to make it clear to him though that you have needs that have to be addressed. They may range from seeking out marriage counseling to being able to talk to him openly about what happened. Be honest as honesty is crucial if you hope to save the relationship.
Regardless of where the future takes you and your husband don’t lose sight of yourself. It’s important if you’re a woman who has been cheated on to not shoulder the blame for the betrayal. Your husband made a conscious decision to be unfaithful and even if it stemmed from problems that you two were experiencing, it’s not all your fault. As women we tend to absorb too much of the blame when things go wrong. Do your best not to do that. Stay strong and confident in your appeal as a woman.
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